Subject: Gad! Another Monday, another missive from the Henry Cate III archives [Editor's note: I've been doing some electronic correspondence with people in Russia and Eastern Europe. Some of them would like to develop pen pals with people outside of Russia and Eastern Europe. If you are interested, send me a note, and I'll line you up with a couple people. Let me know if you have any special requests. I enjoy chatting with them, but I cann't keep up with all of them. Have a good day. Henry III] Henry_Cate_III.OSBU_North@xerox.com ---------------------------------------------------- From: ellens@ai.mit.edu (Ellen Spertus) TV is in its infancy. That must be why it needs changing so much. ---------------------------------------------------- From: Vincent.Cate@furmint.nectar.cs.cmu If the pen is mightier than the sword, and a picture is worth a thousand words, how dangerous is a FAX? ---------------------------------------------------- A Jay Leno joke, quoted in the Mercury News: "Why does NASA want to go to Mars? There's no water there, there's no plant life, and there's no atmosphere. Why don't they just go to LA?" ---------------------------------------------------- As seen on the sheet accompanying a new MasterCard(TM): VALUE YOUR CARD! Your card should be protected in the same manner as you would handle cash. Make sure it is returned to you afer each transaction. ---------------------------------------------------- There was a man that always brought his dog to Carolina football games. Whenever the team made a good play, the dog would run up and down the sidelines excitedly. When the team kicked a field goal, the dog would run out on the field, jump around and bark in complete exhuberance! Well, the crowd really enjoyed its new adopted "mascot." At halftime, a fan went up to the dog's owner and asked, "Your dog does all these entertaining stunts when the team does good things. What does he do when the team scores a TOUCHDOWN?" "I'm not sure, I've only brought him to 9 games..." ---------------------------------------------------- -"I have two hobbies -- hunting and Women." -"Really ? What do you hunt ?" -"Women." -"I'm dreaming of being a millionare, just like my father." -"Oh ? Is your father a millionare ?" -"No, but he's dreaming of being one." ---------------------------------------------------- From Lloyd Smith, MD, during his address at the graduation ceremony for the University of Texas Medical Branch at Galveston, May 25: "Then there was the man who was so imbued with science that he sent two of his children to Sunday school and kept the other two home as controls." ---------------------------------------------------- Computer hacker's response upon being caught burglarizing a house: (1) "I have a perfect right to be here; you don't have a very good lock on your door." (2) "I had a duty to break in to show you that your lock can be picked." (3) "I can pick locks; I'm a genius of great value to society." ---------------------------------------------------- Elegant, adj, of code: when the description of the algorithm a code implements is longer than the code itself. Hack, adj, of code: when the description of the function of a line of code is longer than the line itself. ---------------------------------------------------- Picture two rocks, sinking to the bottom of the water. One rock is labelled "Burroughs", the other labelled "Sperry". The "Burroughs" rock, holding a piece of rope, says "Maybe if we tie ourselves together, we'll float." It was much funnier when I was working at Burroughs/Unisys, just after the merger. ---------------------------------------------------- "... Perhaps of even greater significance is the continuous and profound distrust of science and technology that the environmental movement displays. The environmental movement maintains that science and technology cannot be relied upon to build a safe atomic power plant, to produce a pesticide that is safe, or even bake a loaf of bread that is safe, if that loaf of bread contains chemical preservatives. When it comes to global warming, however, it turns out that there is one area in which the environmental movement displays the most breathtaking confidence in the reliability of science and technology, an area in which, until recently, no one -- even the staunchest supporters of science and technology -- had ever thought to assert very much confidence at all. The one thing, the environmental movement holds, that science and technology can do so well that we are entitled to have unlimited confidence in them, is FORECAST THE WEATHER! -- for the next one hundred years..." George Reisman, "The Toxicity of Environentalism" ---------------------------------------------------- From: peter@aix1.uottawa.ca (Pete Hickey) When I was a T.A., a student came to me wondering why his Pascal program wouldn't print anything. I compiled it and ran it myself, and sure enough, no output. I looked through the program, and the WRITELNs were there. This became a problem I *had* to solve. I added some of my own, and still, nothing was written to the screen. After about 15 minutes of careful examination, I noticed that the *entire* program had been commented out. This guy was compiling a comment. I pointed this out to him, but he said to me, "Yeah but I had to do that. It was the only way to get rid of all of the errors." ---------------------------------------------------- From: tact04.enet!sid@decwrl.UUCP (Sid Gordon, Digital Israel, EIS) My brother claims that this morning he heard his 5-year-old and his 3-year-old in the bathroom together and eavesdropped on their conversation: Little brother: What do I do now? Big brother: Throw the toilet paper in the toilet. Little brother: Like this? Big brother: Yeah. Little brother: Now what? Big brother: Hit "ENTER". Little brother: "ENTER"? Big brother: I mean "flush". ---------------------------------------------------- Atheism is a non-prophet organization. Clones are people two. "During the earthquake, Bill's zip code changed three times before he got out of bed. Question on government questionnaire : "Have you ever committed suicide?" If we don't get some money in our bank account soon, we'll be arrested for impersonating the government. Mechanic to customer : I'm afraid you have more of a problem than I anticipated Your battery needs a new car. ---------------------------------------------------- A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report, called the phone, and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested. ---------------------------------------------------- The head doctors in an insane asylum had a meeting and decided that one of their patients was potentially well. So they decide to test him and take him to the movies. When they get to the movie theatre, there are signs of wet paint pointing to the benches. The doctors just sit down, but the patient puts a newspaper down first and then sits down. The doctors get all excited cause they think maybe he's in touch w/ reality now. So they ask him, " Why did you put the newspaper down first?" He answers, "So I'd be higher and have a better view." ---------------------------------------------------- Mum went to pick my (half-) sister up from Kindergarten yesterday, and the kid came out with pieces of sticky-tape on her upper and lower lips. "Look Mum, Lip-stick!" ---------------------------------------------------- -"Do I get a guarantee, if I buy this car ?" -"Oh, yes, we guarantee it's a car." ---------------------------------------------------- The cyclist, passing a pedestran crossing, runs into a man, and they both fall down. -"Geez, are you lucky." The cyclist says. -"What do you mean by lucky ?" The pedestrian angrily asks. "I got hurt really bad." -"Ah, you're lucky because I recently lost my license. I usually drive a bus." ---------------------------------------------------- A Newfoundlander was accused of purse snatching. He decided to represent himself in court rather than hire a lawyer. The first question he asked the lady on the witness stand was "Did you actually SEE my face when I took your purse?" ---------------------------------------------------- The CENSUS TAKER knocked on the door of a backwoods shack. An old timer came out, asking what he wanted "The President has sent us across the country to find out how many people live in the United States," the man replied. "I'm sorry you came all the way out here to ask me," said the hillbilly, "cause I ain't got the faintest idea." ---------------------------------------------------- Payment Plan : While on a shopping expedition, I mistakenly handed the salesperson my blood-donor card to pay for one of my purchases. He looked at it and then gave it back, saying "That's all right, lady. We still only want money." ---------------------------------------------------- I definitely think we're in trouble. I just saw an ad for a new movie sequel called... "The Never-Ending Story 2" ---------------------------------------------------- Sergei Yevshin, a coal miner on strike in the Ukraine was quoted in this weekend's The European [newspaper] as saying: "We watched with envy on television as American soldiers gave out packets of Marlboro cigarettes to Iraqi prisoners of war. Many of us have to work an entire shift underground to afford one packet of Marlboro. I want to surrender to the Americans." ---------------------------------------------------- He was prosecuted. The judge asked him "Don't you need a lawyer ?" "No, I don't need any, I'm going to tell the truth." ---------------------------------------------------- After successfully passing the bar exam, a man opened his own law office. He was sitting idle at his desk when his secretary announced that a Mr. Jones had arrived to see him. "Show him right in!" our lawyer replied. As Mr. Jones was being ushered in our lawyer had an idea. He quickly picks up the phone and shouts into it "..and you tell them that we won't accept less then fifty thousand dollars, and don't even call me until you agree to that amount!" Slamming the phone down he stood up and greeted Mr. Jones; "Good Morning, Mr. Jones, what can I do for you?" "I'm from the phone company" Mr. Jones replied, "I'm here to connect your phone." ---------------------------------------------------- While visiting Iowa State University this week, Dan Quayle observed that the reason for low voter turnout is the difficulty in getting to the poles. Said the Vice President: "Even in this modern age of rapid transit, it can take several days to get to either pole -- North or South." ---------------------------------------------------- So there were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields. The first cow said, "I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm." The other cow replies, "Hell, I ain't worried, it don't affect us ducks." ---------------------------------------------------- Three blokes die and go to heaven and queue to meet St. Peter. StP Hi, what's your name? Pete Pete. StP Hi, Pete. Tell me, when you died, how much were you earning? Pete 120K StP Wow! Tell me, Pete, what were you doing to earn that kind of money? Pete I was a lawyer. StP That's great. Come on in. ( To 2nd bloke. ) Hi, what's your name? Rog Rog. StP Hi, Rog. Tell me, when you died, how much were you earning? Rog 60K. StP Hey, that's great! Tell me, Rog, what did you do for a crust? Rog I was an accountant. StP That's very good. Come on in. ( To 3rd bloke. ) Hi, what's your name? John John. StP Hi, John. Tell me, John, how much were you earning when you died? John About $13,000. StP Hey, that's fantastic, John! Tell me, what instrument did you play? ---------------------------------------------------- On Thu, 22 Aug 1991 13:31:00 EDT you said: >penn state university hospital in hershey pa. now, who are all of you >and what is this list about ? Are you sure you want everyone to answer :) Total number of users subscribed to the list: 723 ========================================================================= ok, i admit the name 'nuts' has my curiosity. i subscribed just to find out what this list is about. my name is judy, i'm a computer operator at penn state university hospital in hershey pa. now, who are all of you and what is this list about ? judy jbayliss@psuhmc